How to Get What You Need
Cheryl Latta, Human Resources Manager
Communication is a natural part of life.
We do it intentionally, and even unintentionally. We do it verbally, but also non-verbally. So if this is such an ingrained part of our lives, why do we tend to fear it when it comes to the topics that really matter?
For many of us, our fears inhibit us from getting real in conversations. We fear “going deep” will be seen as unprofessional, unwarranted, or that we are too emotional. Yet it prevents us from speaking up when we really need things. Our fears stop us from getting what we need and what we want in order to succeed.
Common communication pitfalls can easily get in the way when trying to have productive and meaningful conversations. Common pitfalls include things like:
Assuming Mal-intent
When approached by someone with “no offense, but…,” it automatically sets up your brain to assume offense. We easily and readily assume we are to blame and that we’ve done something wrong. Assuming mal-intent is critically harmful when working with others and trying to reach a common goal.
Hiding Behind Email and Text
Let’s face it. Communicating face-to-face, especially bad news, is not fun. I would rather avoid it, how about you? While it’s tempting to communicate bad news, changes, and even critical updates via email or text, it leaves a lot open for interpretation and no room for follow-up. You can’t read tone, body language, or even intention in a text or email. It’s very one sided and stops communication rather than starts communication. Saving the important things for face-to-face is key.
Not Writing Down Decisions
While often a forgotten step, writing down decisions is vital. We can’t always trust our own memories during team discussions, and really it’s not fair to expect ourselves or others to. Taking notes and writing conclusions will help solidify communications.
Unproductive Meetings
Sure, we’ve all had meetings that could have been emails. But I’m focusing on meetings that are haphazard and have no real goals or agenda, not brainstorming meetings which can be productive. Meetings without goals or active participants are frankly a waste of employee and company time.
Not Being Candid
“It’s not personal, it’s business” is not a phrase to live by. We are all people. We need to remember that while we all have jobs to do at our company, at the end of the day, we all have the same needs: to feel valued and important, to feel like our work matters, and, of course, to be able to support our lifestyles.
Inept Listening
Everyone knows there is a difference between listening and actually hearing. By not actively listening, you are not only doing the other person harm, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. We learn from each other and come to great conclusions that way.
How do we become better communicators to get what we need?
First, we need to know our audience. Whether we realize it or not, we talk differently to different people. We don’t usually speak to clients in the same way we would our significant others, do we? So we need to adjust and fine tune our communication to our audience. Who are we targeting with our communication and what is our intention of the message? What do we need from them to accomplish our goal? And probably most importantly, how can we phrase the information in a way our audience will understand and be most likely to give us our desired results?
Next, we need to really seek to understand the situation. We often come in to conversations with preconceived notions of how it will go but also what we need out of the situation, almost always making it much harder for us to really listen and engage. We are too focused on what we will say next to really listen and understand the situation. We need to be curious and ask questions – specifically open ended ones to get more context. Try to avoid assuming things during the conversation such as mal-intent, that you are wrong, or even that you are right.
We need to ensure we are actively listening. To show we are doing this, try to paraphrase what the person is saying back to them to show your understanding or to clear up potential miscommunications early. Keep asking questions for further clarification if needed. Above all, remember to have empathy for others and remember how hard it can be to bring up sensitive topics.
Receiving feedback is often easier said than done. We can get defensive and assume we are right and everyone else is wrong. Be mindful of your triggers and automatic responses to feedback. We all have them. Coming prepared to a conversation knowing how you might respond can help prevent you from actually responding in that way by being mindful of it. Also, try to separate the message from the messenger. Another helpful way to process feedback is to break it down into smaller chunks and absorb them slowly. You can also ask politely for a break in the conversation to really hear what the other person is trying to convey to you.
You will want to provide feedback during the conversation. To ensure this feedback is meaningful and will keep the conversation on track, use “I” statements and avoid assumptions.
Lastly, you always want to follow up. I find that sending a summary email to someone after a conversation can be very valuable. Not only does it sum up the discussion in writing, but it works to ensure you are both on the same page and have the same takeaways. Additionally, make sure you are continuously following up in a timely manner, not letting weeks of no communication on the subject go by.
When communicating with others, there are other considerations to think about. Having frequent team meetings can really open the grounds for communication and get employees and coworkers more comfortable with the thought of providing feedback and getting on the same page. We work in a field of primarily introverts so it can be challenging for us to bring things up when there is not a clear forum in which to do so.
Remember to communicate constantly, not just once a year at an annual review. Above all, be authentic. Don’t be who you think you should be when communicating. Be you.